he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Send help, water and tortillas.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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