Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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