i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
