Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize