xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
