tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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