That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
