i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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