I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just pee around me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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