Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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