I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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