I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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