He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
