I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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