Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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