Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
