Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize