We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
