Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
