He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
