Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Operation Purity has been aborted
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
