It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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