I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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