I cannot find my penis.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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