You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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