yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
