i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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