I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
