I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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