My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
