omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize