yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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