She's JV to your varsity
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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