Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
