I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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