if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
