dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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