I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
