Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
