I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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