I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
