Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
