Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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