Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
