There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
