Is it normal to miss your booty call?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
