FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize