I cannot find my penis.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i think i just lost a toe
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