Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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