im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
