Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
