i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
