no, he came in my armpit
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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