everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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